This week my daughter started her GCSE examinations. There was much muttering prior to the first exam with complaints of being stressed out and wails of, ‘I’m going to fail and it’s all Miss’s fault. She hates me.’
Why my daughter thinks her tutor
dislikes just her I don’t know. Personally I think most of the tutors
dislike all their pupils, which is
hardly surprising considering some of the ‘leaver pranks’ that have been going
on in the last week. No doubt an army of
Year 11 pupils up and down the country have reduced their teachers to gibbering
wrecks as stink bombs have detonated in canteens, bags of flour erupted over
opening doors, and any classroom featuring a clock (all of them in other words)
has been stripped bare. One motley crew
went a bit too far and tipped red ink over sanitary towels which were then used
to wallpaper the visitors’ cloakroom.
Gosh, how I’m sure those teachers laughed. Not.
‘I hope you aren’t taking part
in these pranks,’ I said sternly to my daughter.
‘Of course not,’ she replied
with very wide eyes.
It’s the eyes that give a lie
away. Many years ago I watched the
wonderful Derren Brown live. He told the
audience that he wasn’t telepathic or psychic or any other amazing thing, just
that he’d learnt to read body language.
Tip Number One. If you want to
lie, don’t blink while telling your porky pie.
It’s a total giveaway. Tip Number
Two. Stay away from Derren Brown because
I’m convinced he’s also telepathic and psychic – he blinked while telling the
audience he wasn’t.
Anyway, I digress. Daughter came home from the first GCSE exam totally
euphoric and cackling gleefully.
‘Ah, it went well!’ I beamed.
‘No, it just means that I can
now put all this,’ she waved a stack of papers at me, ‘in the bin because I
never, ever have to look at them again.’
Unless she ends up doing re-sits
Which reminds me. The following questions were set in last
year’s GCSE examinations and are claimed to be genuine answers from 16 year
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Filtration makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. A condominium
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face with Mild Green Fairy Liquid