Sunday, 23 June 2013

It's all in the name...

I don’t watch the box, and I don’t properly read the newspapers (too depressing dah-ling).  However, I do skim the bylines and sometimes linger over photographs.  And on Friday I couldn’t help noticing that somebody called Kim Kardashian, a reality star, has given birth to her first child, a little girl. News of a birth always gives a warm, fuzzy feeling, whether the baby belongs to celebrities or Mr and Mrs Smith down the road.  Whenever somebody we know has a baby, our first words are those of congratulations, usually followed up by, ‘What are you going to call him/her?’
          It’s usually at this point that we say, ‘Gosh, that’s a lovely name,’ even if we privately think yeuch.  But you know, even names that are a bit yeuch are more preferable to names that are totally ridiculous.  And when I read that proud parents Kim Kardashian and her partner Kanye West have called their baby ‘North’, I actually found myself re-reading the byline.  Surely that was a mis-print?  Surely they meant Nora?  Or Norma?  But no, it was definitely North.  So...with her father’s surname...that meant this new arrival’s name was North West.  A compass point.  Well isn’t she going to have fun being teased at school!
          I’m not quite sure what planet some celebrities are on when their newborn arrives.  Are the mothers, perchance, still hormonal and not thinking straight?  Hollywood actress Gwyneth Paltrow called her baby Apple.  No doubt Gwyneth was beaming at her newborn and thinking, ‘She’s the apple of my eye.’  Unfortunately the rest of us just think of a green Granny Smith.  Actor Sylvestor Stallone and his wife named their son Sage Moonblood – which conjures up a red moon covered in leaves.  Michael Jackson had a son called Blanket.  Visions of an electric blanket on a cold winter’s night spring to mind.  And Bob Geldoff has three daughters that I swear he possibly mistook for poodles.  Why else would you call them Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches and Pixie?
          I’m just waiting for some wag, or should I say WAG, to name their child Banana, Duvet, Happy Clappy Sunbeam or Sat Nav.  Nothing would surprise me.  There are also some rather funny surnames out there, but there’s not much we can do about our last name.  I can still remember somebody reading my surname upside down and thinking I was Mrs Viagra.  Which reminds me, have you tried that new beverage, Viagraccino?  One cup and you’re up all night...

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