Sunday, 9 March 2014

Happy Imminent Birthday To Me


Apparently I have a birthday occurring at any moment.  I can honestly say that I’d completely forgotten about this annual event.  It seems as though only five minutes ago we celebrated Christmas.  Hot on the heels of the festive season was my mother’s 81st, and then my son’s 21st.  If I were a cosmic policeman I’d flag down 2014 and say, ‘Do you know what speed you’re travelling at?  A hefty fine for you, and three points on your calendar.’
            ‘Can we celebrate your birthday at our favourite restaurant?’ asked my daughter.
            I did a rough head count which included those who are very good at ordering extra bottles of champagne without offering to pay for it.  This was followed by a cartoon gulp.
            ‘I think a birthday buffet at home would be better.’
            ‘Oh, how disappointing,’ said my daughter, ‘not to mention boring.’  She stuck out her bottom lip, seconds away from a full-blown sulk.
            But the truth of the matter is money doesn’t grow on trees.  There are those who are invited but seem to think this means they can, in turn, go on to invite the entirety of their own families.  I’ve only just recovered from paying for my son’s 21st. I wouldn’t mind if some of the guests were a little more giving of themselves, but one turned up and didn’t even have the generosity to give my son a birthday card!
            ‘What would you like for your birthday?’ my son asked during one late night telephone call.
            ‘Your company,’ I replied.
            ‘Okay, I’ll pop down for the weekend.’
            ‘Hurrah!’
            ‘Can we celebrate your birthday at our favourite restaurant?
            I experienced a moment of déjà vu.
            ‘I need to save a few pennies.  I’m doing a birthday buffet instead.’
            ‘Oh, how disappointing.’
            Another moment of déjà vu.
            ‘I know!’ said Rob.  ‘What about we go somewhere cheaper?’
            ‘Like where?’
            ‘What about pub grub?’
            ‘Yes that would be fine if W didn’t drink like a fish, and X didn’t order the most expensive things on the menu twice over because of his huge appetite, and Y didn’t want half a dozen shorts – and I don’t mean trousers that end at the knee.  Not forgetting Z who is so stingy he even likes to have a laugh at my expense.’
            It would seem that there are two ‘gifts’ for being the age I now am.  The first is cynicism and a touch of the Victor Meldrews. The second is
no longer caring about whether I’m displaying
cynicism and a touch of the Victor Meldrews.  Perhaps I should just blow a small fortune and be done with it.  Which reminds me.
            It’s a hot day and there’s a travelling salesman passing through a small town in Texas when he sees a little old man sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of a house.  So he stops and says to the little old man, ‘You look as if you don’t have a care in the world.  What’s your formula for a long and happy life?’   And the little old man replied, ‘Well, I smoke six packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a quart of bourbon every four hours, and six cases of beer a week.  I never wash and I go out every night.  Oh, and I don’t get to bed until four in the morning.’  And the guy says, ‘Wow, that’s just great.  How old are you?’  And the little old man says, ‘Twenty-two…’

1 comment:

  1. they should be inviting you since it's your special day not their....

    ReplyDelete