Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Home Havoc


Following last week’s hospital havoc surrounding my mother, it would seem that havoc took it upon itself to spread to my home life too.  On the home front things have been…testing.  Mr V has attempted making the peace by presenting me with a dozen rose buds.  The cat – an understanding female – shredded them on my behalf.  And on top of that, my daughter’s two year ‘romance’ with her sweetheart came to an abrupt full stop.
          ‘I can’t understand it,’ she wailed.
          Unfortunately I could.  ‘You don’t think,’ I suggested cautiously, ‘that it could be anything to do with being a bit, um, bossy?’
          Bossy?’ my daughter’s head rotated one-hundred-and-eighty degrees.  ‘Are you saying it’s all my fault?’
          ‘Okay, scrap that idea,’ I soothed.
          ‘No,’ Eleanor hissed, ‘that’s a really awful thing to suggest.  And from my own mother too.  I thought you’d be on my side.’
          ‘I’m not on anybody’s side, nor am I taking sides.  I’m simply pointing out that it’s good to speak to others in the same way as you’d like them to speak to you.’
          ‘I SPEAK TO EVERYBODY EXTREMELY NICELY!’ my daughter roared.
          ‘I rest my case.’
          ‘I’ve had enough of this conversation,’ said Eleanor as she flounced off to her room.  ‘Roll on Saturday,’ she called over her shoulder, ‘because there’s a party to go to with my college friends.’
          Saturday arrived, and with it my son who wanted company following his own recent relationship going down the plug hole.
          ‘I still don’t know where I went wrong,’ Rob lamented.
          As my children are two peas in a pod when it comes to temperament, I could again hazard a fairly good guess.  ‘Are you possibly a little, er, bossy?’
          Bossy?’ Rob’s eyes widened incredulously.  ‘I can’t believe you could say such a thing!’  This was followed by an extremely bossy rant about his own mother not being supportive enough.
          On Sunday there was a shift in the household’s mood.  Rob was nursing a stonking hangover and Eleanor was tearful and subdued.  We sat around the table and had breakfast together.  I’ll rephrase that.  I tucked into a mound of toast, Eleanor took one mouthful and said she was too upset to eat another thing, and Rob told us both off for crunching too loudly.
          I looked at my daughter’s unhappy face.  ‘Didn’t you enjoy your party last night?’
          ‘Oh, yes, I actually had a lovely time.  It was good fun.’
          ‘So why the long face?’
          ‘Because we all played Spin the Bottle and I had to kiss H.’
          ‘I see,’ I replied, not seeing at all.  ‘So what’s the problem?’
          ‘Because now I feel so guilty!’
          ‘Why?  It was a game you were all playing.’
          ‘I know!  But I’ve been going out with M and never kissed anybody else before!’
          ‘But you’re not going out with M anymore.’
          ‘Yeah, but you don’t understand.  It seems wrong, even though it was just a silly game and meant nothing.’
          ‘Oh my God!’ Rob interrupted.  ‘My fingers have gone numb!’
          ‘I just can’t stop this ridiculous feeling of being in the wrong.’
          ‘Well you must.’
          ‘My fingers are tingling like crazy.’
          ‘So what shall I do about this guilt feeling?’
          ‘Ignore it.’
          ‘It’s spreading to my hands.’
          ‘Do you think I should tell M?’
          ‘It wouldn’t change anything.’
          ‘And now my hands have gone numb.’
          ‘I just feel I should tell him.  Then maybe this guilt will go away.’
          ‘Don’t be silly.  You’re a free agent, after all.’
          ‘It’s spreading up my arms. Help!  Help me!’
          ‘I feel so miserable.’
          ‘Time is a great healer.’
          ‘I’ve just Googled this and I think I’m dying.’
          ‘So what do you think I should do?’
          ‘Stop fretting.  I tell you, there is nothing to feel guilty about.’
          ‘Call the emergency doctor!’
          ‘Do you think we’ll ever get back together?’
          ‘I don’t know.  Right now you both need time apart.’
          ‘Call an ambulance!’
          ‘I feel like I can’t cope with anything right now.’
          ‘I’ve been feeling like that all week.’
          ‘I NEED MY HANDS FOR MY PROFESSION!’
          ‘I feel slightly hysterical.’
          ‘I’ve felt hysterical for weeks.’
          ‘THIS ISN’T FUNNY.’
          It was with a sense of relief that I greeted Monday.  Which reminds me.
If you ever think everything seems to be going well, then you have obviously overlooked something…
 

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