Sunday, 26 April 2015

Crash Bang Wallop


Vacuum cleaners are sometimes nicknamed dust busters because they suck up all household fluff and muck.  However, I’ve developed a slightly paranoid sense of reasoning and decided that vacuum cleaners might actually be human being busters.  Six months ago, whilst rushing through the housework, my vacuum cleaner collapsed against my chest (yes, my wobbly bits) and put me in hospital having to have an operation. Then earlier this week, Father Bryant did his own vacuuming and promptly had a nasty accident which saw him end up in hospital too.  His accident was slightly different to mine in that he carried his vacuum cleaner up the stairs in one hand and took lots of paraphernalia in the other. Thus loaded up, he set off up the staircase.  It was a disaster waiting to happen.  And happen it did.  He got all the way to the top when the vacuum cleaner’s weight caused him to stumble. He went to grab the handrail but couldn’t on account of being loaded up and, like a tree being felled, crashed head first down the staircase with everything clattering down on top of him.  Obviously, in hindsight, he realises it was a stupid thing to do…more haste, less speed…and all that jazz.  It’s a horrific thing to happen at any age, never mind when you’re nearly eighty-four. So now he has a fractured clavicle and a mangled arm, but fortunately not a broken back or neck.
          The moral of this tale is…never underestimate your dust buster. Personally I think they are evil contraptions just waiting to catch you out. As I said, I’m now slightly paranoid about vacuum cleaners.  After my accident, I meant to get rid of this particular model as I think it has a design fault.  You only have to knock the back of it and the wretched thing collapses in half, the handle and hose walloping whatever or whoever is unlucky enough to be in its way.  Meanwhile Father Bryant’s vacuum cleaner remains upright and unbroken…unlike him.  Mother Bryant has since had a second safety rail installed, which is all well and good provided you remember to leave your hands free in order to hold on to it.  When I popped round to visit my parents earlier in the week, Mother Bryant proudly showed me the new handrail before going up the staircase herself.  Did she use the handrail?  No.  Instead she went up in her usual way, like a monkey on four limbs.  She insists it’s safer for her to ascend in this way.  So what’s the point of a second handrail?  Which reminds me.
          Recently a man went to a Health and Safety conference where one of the letters from a sign fell and hit him on the head.  Oh, the iron E…
         

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