Sunday, 22 November 2015

I’m a Celebrity – Give Me Publicity


My daughter is a huge fan of most reality shows.  When she’s watching ‘the jungle’, I do sometimes pause – mostly in gobsmacked amazement – to see what people do to up their fame game.  Apparently this year’s cast of characters includes Lady Colin Campbell, whose is a crashing snob and prone to bonkers outbursts.  I watched her pop her hands into a box of concealed snakes.  Her task was to identify the objects.  She has such a plummy accent, one presumes she swallowed the whole plum pie.  ‘I huven’t felt thaat texture befaww,’ was her comment.
          The bush tucker trials are always disgusting.  There is a soft-centred part of me that doesn’t like creatures being eaten alive, never mind being used to provide TV entertainment.  Tequila Bumrise was apparently one of the cocktails ‘celebrities’ had to drink.  Well you don’t have to have too many brain cells to work out that an animal’s backside is somewhere in the blend.  I mean, really?  That’s the ultimate bum lick – how desperate can somebody be for publicity to do such a thing?
          I’ve looked up the other contestants on the internet because, despite them being celebrities, I wasn’t sure who they were.  I remember Spandau Ballet’s Tony Hadley.  Regrettably I’m not a fan of his singing due to being traumatised by Mr V yodelling his own cover versions over the years (yes, beyond dire).  I do, however, remember eccentric Chris Eubank, who clearly shops at the same plum pie place Lady C goes to.  Susannah Somebody, Yvette Wotsit, Kieran I-haven’t-a-clue…the names go vaguely on…but I most definitely have heard of Duncan Bannatyne.  My husband is an avid fan of Dragon’s Den. Many a time have I heard Duncan’s dulcet tone declaring, ‘I’m out.’  And he was indeed out when he tried to get into Lady C’s bed one night in the jungle.  ‘I lost my bearings,’ he later explained, smiling sheepishly.  I like Duncan.
          I’m not so keen on Ant and Dec.  Having seen them several times, the moment the camera stops rolling their smiles are a non-event.  Especially the one with the big forehead who has a penchant for both rudeness and sarcasm.  His standard facial expression matches the celebrities who have chewed on one of the bush tucker bugs.  Which reminds me.
          After one female celebrity’s jungle trial which took place in a room with an ostrich, Ant and Dec asked how it felt to come face to face with a strange looking bird with a tiny brain.  ‘Absolutely terrifying,’ replied the ostrich…

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